Five Ways to Help Your Athlete After a Tough Loss

Consider your next car ride home. What if, the trip home began with, “We know what you’re going through — losing can be painful. How are you doing?”

As a sports parent, you’ve probably had to deal with the aftermath of a devastating loss. And the car ride home after a loss can be a tricky time.

Maybe your car ride home becomes a shouting match, culminating in slammed doors and fuming tempers. Or perhaps, it’s your student-athletes retreating within themselves and pulling away. While there’s no “tried and true” script for getting through to your children after a loss, you can better understand what’s going on inside their brain and appeal to how they’re feeling.

The teenage brain is still developing, affecting their reaction to disappointment

If you haven’t noticed, your teenager doesn’t think like you. And you can blame it – in part – on biology. Through brain scans and magnetic resonance imaging (MRI), researchers have found that adolescents’ brains go through an intense growth and development period. Some parts of the brain have reached maturity, while others are working on catching up. These imbalances can potentially cause the mood swings, bursts of anger, poor decision-making and other actions in your teen that might be cause for your exasperation.

Additionally, teenagers’ frontal cortex isn’t fully mature yet, as it takes longer to reach maturity than other parts of the brain. This area controls reasoning, helps us think before we act and modulates mood (American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry). This stage of brain development is marked by misreading or misinterpreting social cues and emotions, getting in fights and engaging in risky behavior (American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry).

So, what does this mean for you as a parent?

Not only are your teenagers likely to be emotional, but they might misinterpret your intentions, disregard your logic and even fight you over it. Intense emotional events can make them respond instinctively or reactively without thinking clearly (American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry).

Keep the advice to yourself and, instead, respond with empathy

So how do you help your athlete stay cool after a tough loss? Respond with empathy. Acknowledge their feelings of disappointment, anger and sadness — and keep your own emotions at bay. If you have advice for them, save it for later. Or, better yet, save it for their coach to tell them (Association for Applied Sport Psychology). Here are some tips for talking with your student-athlete on the next car ride home.

• Take a relaxed tone. Watching your student-athletes lose a game might make you tense and anxious. However, before you get in the car, breathe it out. They will be just as – or probably more – tense than you.

• Be empathetic. One way to ensure an empathetic response is to share a story where you were the one who lost and were disappointed yourself.

• Save venting for later. You may have a serious complaint with the refereeing, the teammates, coaching or even the brightness of the sun, but as a parent you need to shelve your issues. This moment is about your student-athletes and helping them bounce back from disappointment.

• Listen more, talk less. Retreating in silence won’t help the situation. Encourage them to talk and make sure you listen attentively.

• Stick to honesty. If your student-athletes had a poor performance, avoid lying and telling them they did a great job. Your student-athletes already know their performance was sub-par, and your comment will probably be met with a sarcastic retort.

Consider your next car ride home. What if, the trip home began with, “We know what you’re going through — losing can be painful. How are you doing?”

Resources  

American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry

Association for Applied Sport Psychology

Fostering Perspectives

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